00:00
Emily Morse
Most of what we’ve learned about sex is simply not true. Most women don’t have an orgasm during sex to only 20% have orgasms from penetration. Stress, trauma and shame are three of the things that prevent our desire. I’ve been married for 25 years and I’ve been faking orgasms the whole time. I can’t tell you how often I hear that from women.

00:22
misceallaneous speaker
Parents don’t talk freely about sexual matters with their children. They can’t. This subject is not acceptable.

00:28
Emily Morse
There’s been so much censorship over sex over the years. Sexual health was like the stepchild of the wellness industry. Sex is wellness. The longer we go without having sex, kind of like going to the gym. You know how hard it is when you get out of the gym and then you gotta go back. The same thing happens for sex. I mean, honestly, we have to keep our own pilot light lit. How many times a week should we be having sex?

00:53
JJ Virgin
What is the magic number?

00:53
Emily Morse
What is the magic number?

00:56
JJ Virgin
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01:48
JJ Virgin
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02:45
JJ Virgin
As a certified nutrition specialist, fitness hall of famer, and globally recognized leader in health, I. I’m driven to keep asking the tough questions and use my podcast to simplify the science of health into actionable strategies that help you thrive. I’d also love to hear your thoughts on the show. And here’s the fun part. When you send me your review, I’ll reply to you using my on demand virtual me. That’s right, my team and I created a virtual JJ packed with my books, speeches and wisdom so I can personally connect with you. Here’s how you do it. Subscribe and leave an honest review of the podcast. Take a screenshot of your review. Text it to 813-565-2627. That’s 813-565-2627. My virtual JJ will reply directly and trust me, this will make your day. So subscribe now@subscribeetojay.com and text me your review. Let’s keep thriving together.

03:52
JJ Virgin
Welcome to well beyond 40 and we are gonna dig in today. Everything sex after 40, which I’m super excited about.

04:00
Emily Morse
Me too.

04:01
JJ Virgin
And I’m also gonna get over my whole weirdness about saying vagina and all sorts of other sex.

04:06
Emily Morse
Okay, A lot of people are not comfortable saying the word vagina. And in fact, when I started this podcast, sex with Emily, 20 years ago, you couldn’t say vagina on television. You couldn’t say vagina. What would you would say? Female genitalia? I don’t know. There’s been so much censorship over sex over the years and even policing of women’s bodies or men’s body. All of us, like sex has just been sort of shrouded in mystery and shame.

04:32
JJ Virgin
How did you get interested in all of this? I mean, we all got interested in it, but you took it a step farther.

04:37
Emily Morse
No, we all were down to have sex. It was 20 years ago. I was in my 30s and I was having sex. But I realized that sex just became really disappointing after a while. First, my partner was always having an orgasm and I was not. When I was with somebody for a while, I realized that I no longer wanted sex as often. It wasn’t as hot as it was in the beginning, so I thought that was a problem. And also I just realized I didn’t have any information about what made great sex. And then I found myself comparing to others and my friends were like, I was having orgasms all the Time or we have hot sex. And I thought, everyone’s doing it better than me. What don’t I know? So. So I went on a mission to understand human sexuality and sexual health.

05:16
Emily Morse
And I couldn’t find anything. No one was talking about it. It was Dr. Ruth, you know, may she rest in peace. But that was about it. And so I started a podcast in my living room, believe it or not, 20 years ago, interviewing people, everyone I knew that about their sex lives and their relationships.

05:30
JJ Virgin
And they were all gun co to do that.

05:32
Emily Morse
Yeah, they really were. Well, there’s something about the mic that gives you more anonymity. So I told people they could change their names, they could change their age. But what I found is, yes, people were really open to talking about sex. And then I realized this is my life’s purpose and my mission. It was like my second career. I went back to grad school, I got a doctorate in human sexuality, and I just made it my life mission to make sure that other people had less shame, more pleasure, and make sex less taboo.

05:58
JJ Virgin
So when was the first time you kind of realized we’ve been like, talking about this all wrong?

06:04
Emily Morse
I would say it was pretty early on. I realized that most of what we’ve learned about sex is simply not true. Everything from men want sex all the time and women are frigid to women should have orgasms every time they have sex. Most women don’t have an orgasm during sex to only 20% have orgasms from penetration.

06:24
JJ Virgin
And is that just because they won the lottery?

06:26
Emily Morse
They won the lottery. They won the genetic lottery. In fact, they won the lottery where their clitoris is closer to their vaginal opening. And so it means they’re more likely to have an orgasm that way. But most women are gonna orgasm from a penis or mouth or toys, fingers, but really not from penetration. So I think that was a big one. Also God centering sexual penetration, saying that is sex, when really so much of sex is the foreplay part could actually be the main part. I learned pretty early on that’s why I became so obsessed with it. Cause I was like, this is ridiculous that everything, you know, that we think about and the fact that there was so much shame around it that, like, why are we so uncomfortable about this thing? Like, like, about our bodies?

07:03
Emily Morse
Like, this is how we have life. Like life comes from vaginas, but yet we don’t know anything about our own bodies. And men. Half my audience is men too. Like, I felt like everyone’s looking for the answer.

07:13
JJ Virgin
So, yeah, what about the desire part of it. Anything that you’ve had as an experience that shifted the way you thought about that piece.

07:20
Emily Morse
Yeah, a lot. When I said the first myth was about men want sex all the time and women are more frigid. The truth is we just have to understand our desire. And so what I learned is there’s two kinds of desires. There’s spontaneous desire and responsive desire. And spontaneous desire is the one that we all covet. It’s the honeymoon phase of the relationship where we have sex three times a day, we’re ripping each other’s clothes off, you’re throwing me against the refrigerator. It’s like amazing sex. And you have desire all the time. You know, and some people have that. I would say that many men, I don’t even like to say gender anymore.

07:50
Emily Morse
But like, a lot more often men, like, you know, when they’re aroused, like, they walk in the room, like, my boyfriend would be like, let me guess, you’re turned on, right? We can tell, but. And I’m like, I’m not. I feel bad about that. So. But most, many of us have responsive desire, which means that we are responsible, responding to something happening in our environment or something that happens to us. A certain touch, words, a certain environment, and then we will get aroused. Understanding our desire, style, like what we actually require, meaning I talk about this thing called sexual intelligence. Was a paradigm I created for people understanding themselves as sexual beings. But like, it’s so multi layered. It could be a certain time of month, it could be like, I haven’t really connected to my partner. Where else?

08:29
Emily Morse
I’m feeling a lot of resentment right now. The last thing I want to do, have sex with them. One of the biggest killers of our sex drive is stress. So if I’m stressed, I just went.

08:37
JJ Virgin
Through this huge period. That’s why I’m looking at him, because I just went through the worst period of stress that I literally said, really? I’m feeling like I might even be a little manic.

08:45
JJ Virgin
He goes, oh, no, you are.

08:47
Emily Morse
Yeah. So listen, when we have a spike in cortisol, our arousal goes down. So they can’t actually live in the same place. So just even just stress, can they?

08:55
JJ Virgin
For men or is that just. Is that just women or.

08:57
Emily Morse
Yeah, for men too. They can still probably get aroused. It’s not that you can’t get aroused, but it’s not gonna be your best sex and you’re certainly not gonna have a desire. I think men have an easier time having sex with stress than women do. Like, for sure, if we’re stressed. It’s really hard to be like, I am fully present and I’m here for the sex when we have so many open tabs in our brain. So I think that’s a big part of it. I call it the pleasure thieves. Stress, trauma and shame are three of the things that. That really prevent our desire.

09:28
JJ Virgin
Any other myths around intimacy that maybe you once believed that now you just think are ridiculous?

09:33
Emily Morse
There’s so many. Oh, that sex toys are only for women. Our bodies are covered in nerve endings and can feel wonderful when vibrated vibration is healing. So I think that’s one of it. That, that lube. You only bring in lube when there’s a problem. That’s another myth. Women have better sex when you add lube. Everyone has better sex when you add a little bit of lube. Kinsey Institute did a study that said that women are 80% more likely to orgasm when you bring in just a few drops of lube to any sexual situation.

09:57
JJ Virgin
Do you have a favorite lube?

09:58
Emily Morse
Oh, my God, I have so many. I really like Playground is a lube that’s made by women for women. That’s a great one. It’s water based and it’s sort of like a facial for your vagina. It’s like uses the ashwagandha and black cohosh and vitamin E. I also like uber lube because it is slippery and it’s silicone. It has one ingredient and it lasts longer.

10:17
JJ Virgin
You know, it’s interesting. I heard you say, I want to.

10:19
JJ Virgin
Have lube on every nightstand.

10:21
Emily Morse
That is my amen. Yeah, no, that is my dream. Like lube on every, like literally makes sex so much better all the time. Yeah.

10:28
JJ Virgin
Yeah. So why do you think it is? Because this is well beyond 40. That and I literally have some friends in their 50s and 60s and they just never have sex anymore. They just. It’s just not a thing. I’m like, yeah, but for a woman in a relationship, why do you feel like this gets deprioritized?

10:45
Emily Morse
Yeah, I think because, oh, there’s so many reasons. Well, first, we can just talk about our health. We can talk about hormones. If we. If we haven’t gotten an HRT and we haven’t had a hormone replacement, that can be a game changer for so many women. You had some progesterone, some estrogen. You know, with our loss of estrogen, we’re losing so much like beyond like our bone strength. We lose elasticity. It could become drier. We can have more pain. Like our bodies are Just changing. We are tired. Maybe we’re more tired than other times. When we get older, it’s that. But also, here’s what I’ve also figured out. People love talking about menopause right now and how we don’t have a sex drive and it went out the window.

11:23
Emily Morse
But what I’ve also found is that I go back to women in their 30s and then after they. They have children.

11:28
JJ Virgin
Oh, yeah, that’s. That’s the worst time.

11:30
Emily Morse
That is the worst time. But it could also, for some women, they never really recover from that. The hormones were changed and they have small babies around the house, and they’re like, the last thing I want is sex right now.

11:39
JJ Virgin
The most romantic thing ever is little babies.

11:41
Emily Morse
Yeah, but you know what?

11:42
JJ Virgin
I.

11:42
Emily Morse
Exactly right. You’re like, yeah, there’s a baby cry. Can the baby hear us? Is the baby wake?

11:47
JJ Virgin
But even when you just leaky boobs, I mean, the whole thing is.

11:50
Emily Morse
So I don’t want that. So that’s one thing. And then also, I think that for a lot of women, sex was never that great. A lot of women have sex that’s very performative. If they’re with the men, it’s for their male partners. It’s really not even about their pleasure. And so the longer we go without having sex, kind of like going to the gym. You know how hard it is when you get out of the gym and then you gotta go back.

12:08
JJ Virgin
No.

12:09
Emily Morse
And you’re starting from zero. Right. But you know, these people, they’re listening. The same thing happens for sex. I mean, honestly, we have to keep our own pilot light lit. And what I mean by that is, even if you’re not in a relationship, or even if you are in a relationship, solo sex, AKA masturbation, keep giving ourselves orgasms, remembering that we’re sexual beings, keeping our arousal goody. And then also, it’s multilayered eating foods that make us feel good, moving our bodies. It’s all about blood flow, circulation. So then, you know, we have less blood flow. So maybe we’re getting fewer erections. We’re not having as many orgasms. We might also have some, you know, body shame. We might feel great in our bodies because our body changed. It doesn’t look like it once was. There’s a lot of factors.

12:50
JJ Virgin
And the body shame thing, I think this is an important one because women get body shamed. And as far as I can tell, men could care less.

12:57
Emily Morse
Yes.

12:57
JJ Virgin
Right.

12:58
JJ Virgin
Don’t you think? Well, you know how we are, like.

12:59
JJ Virgin
Well, I’m a little Bloated today, you.

13:01
JJ Virgin
Know, Or I think my. My butt looks a little big. Guys don’t care. Just take your clothes off.

13:06
Emily Morse
I mean, this is. Even young women, you hear all ages like, oh, my left boob’s bigger than my right boob. I have this weird freckle.

13:12
JJ Virgin
It’s like, you’ve got boobs.

13:14
Emily Morse
Like, they’re really happy to be having sex with you right now and that you are naked in the room. Like, a majority of men are not at all worried about what we worry about, what we tear ourselves up about.

13:23
JJ Virgin
Well, let’s face it, when we’re getting dressed, it’s usually getting dressed for other women. Like, the most terrifying thing is to go to a wedd women’s luncheon.

13:30
Emily Morse
It’s so true.

13:31
JJ Virgin
Yeah.

13:32
Emily Morse
The right bag, the right shoes, the right thing.

13:34
JJ Virgin
Oh, my gosh. Versus, like, if you went to a nightclub that was all men.

13:36
Emily Morse
Yeah, we know what to do.

13:38
JJ Virgin
That does not matter. Yes. Short, tight, easy, done.

13:41
Emily Morse
Right.

13:43
JJ Virgin
Well, in terms of the desire. Cause you mentioned desire is not spontaneous in most cases. And I’m assuming much more for women. So what do we need to do to shift that piece of it?

13:56
Emily Morse
So a really important part of it is to. To say is to prioritize your sex life, just like you would your exercise, your health plan, your nutrition. Sex is wellness. And when we put sex on the back burner or, you know, for so long, sexual health was like the stepchild of the wellness industry. It was not even under the umbrella. I mean, last year, even at Eudaimonia, they had one sex doctor here, one person talking about sex. That’s it. I mean, this year there’s been a few sessions. If I’m not feeling sexually well and healthy, it means that I’m not prioritizing my pleasure. I’m not taking time for sex and making things that feel good. I’m not paying attention to my hormones and my nutrition. I’m not exercising.

14:41
Emily Morse
Maybe I have resentments with my partner that I haven’t brought up that’s also gonna impact our relationships, but more for the woman than.

14:47
JJ Virgin
I know we’re not supposed to do the woman man thing, but I would.

14:50
Emily Morse
Assume that, I mean, I can do it for you.

14:51
JJ Virgin
Yeah, Women, like, if you’re a little resentful, you don’t feel like having sex, but it doesn’t feel like the opposite is necessarily so.

14:59
Emily Morse
I have these pillars of sexual intelligence called sex iq. And when I was writing my book two years ago called smart sex, how to own your Pleasure and boost your sex iq. I realized that after all these years. When it started with my career, people were saying, what’s the quick fix? Tell me the toy, what’s the lube? What’s the sex position? I need help with my sex life. I don’t have desire. I’ve mismatched libidos with my partner. I don’t have a sex drive. And they were like, give me the quick fix. Like they’re going to a dentist or something and they want out, like, fix my tooth. But when I realized as what came to me was like, it is sexual intelligence.

15:33
Emily Morse
Five women can call me with low desire, can reach out to me or work with me, but there’s going to be different ways to work with them. Just like if someone comes to you and they’re like, you got. You got to look at different layers of it, right? So I start with the first one, which is embodiment. Are you in your body during sex? Are you feeling it? Are you looking into each other’s eyes? Are you breathing together? Are you in it? Are you feeling it? Or are you like disassociated? Thinking about the laundry, the kids, like your body or whatever. That’s the first important part. So working on being mindful, being present, a really helpful thing to do is to focus on your breath. When you find your mind wandering, which it will during sex, to say, I’m gonna take deep breaths.

16:10
Emily Morse
I’m go back to what I’m feeling. Okay, My partner’s hands are in my body. That feels really good. Just like meditation, you keep coming back to it. The second pillar is health, which we’ve covered, and that’s your mental health and your physical health. So hormones, circulation, nutrition, also mental health. People don’t. First off, if you’ve had any traumas or you’ve had things, you know, always get therapy, work on it. But another factor of health is a lot of people don’t realize the side effects of medications they’ve been taking for many years. How many people, like 1 in 3 people are on SSRIs? You might have fact check that, but SSRIs are notorious for side effects. The birth control pill, blood thinners. So checking your medications. The third pillar is collaboration.

16:46
Emily Morse
And that’s how well do I actually communicate to my partner about our sex life. How it usually looks is something like this, we never have sex. When was the last time we had sex? How come you don’t want sex? Why don’t you go down on me? It’s not, hey, what could we do together that would be interesting in our sex life. Should we take a trip? That’s always fun. Maybe we should go buy a lube or buy a sex toy or like what would make it hot for you? Because I think if we really think about it and we really learn, like the next pillar is self knowledge. So it’s like, well, what do I actually, if I want to be turned on? So this is part of desire. What do I know? Okay, I know that I can’t really be stressed.

17:21
Emily Morse
So I used to be the girlfriend who was like running a business, being a boss, being in my, you know, masculine all day. And then I’d be like, oh, date night. I’d be like putting on my sexy clothes in the car, putting on my lipstick, getting to my boyfriend’s house and still having this stress. I’m like, I don’t feel sexy, internal. So then knowing, well, that can’t happen anymore. I need a bath, I need to work out, I need to meditate. I’m not gonna go right into forcing myself to be in sexy mode if I haven’t taken care of myself. So self knowledge is just like also knowing. Like I was dating a guy every time I went to his house. It’s a simple example. It was freezing, it was like really cold. Lived by the beach.

17:55
Emily Morse
And the second I went there, my body would shut down. I was like, no, you got, it’s gotta be warm in here for me to want next time I went there, the fireplace was on, the heat was on, he had blankets out for me. Foreplay’s a requirement. It’s really a rare time where I’m just ready to hop into sex. I like, you know, I want to make out sometimes. Kiss my neck, give me a massage like my boyfriend knows. Like massage my back for 10 minutes and I’m yours. Or my feet, like I will, my body will soften. So again, that’s part of self knowledge. So I hear women like, I’m exhausted. I never want sex tonight. Don’t have sex at night.

18:26
Emily Morse
Like I would tell, I would say, I will not have if I’m already in bed and like the lights off or something. It’s never happening after 10 o’ clock on a Monday night. Just know. So maybe it’s Saturday mornings. We get to decide when we want to have sex. Like we’re in charge of our arousal and our desires. So I don’t think we ever permission it because it was so mysterious. So it’s really getting deep on like what’s worked for Me in the past, what works for me now. And like, communicating that with your partner. And then the last one is self acceptance. And that’s really like, do I accept my body as it is now? Do I accept myself?

18:56
JJ Virgin
That’s probably the hardest one, right?

18:57
Emily Morse
That is probably one of the hardest ones. You know, it’s like, you know, and it’s just like, really, just like kind of flipping the script and knowing that my, you know, if we feel like I don’t like my body. Well, I’ve exercised. Called flipping the script. My body is strong and beautiful and deserving of pleasure. Like, you know, just. Just flipping it and like having notes in your phone, mantras, things that make you feel better. Because, you know, we all know, like, working out helps and moving our bodies. But some of this stuff has been going on for decades. And you just have, oh, if we’re walking around all day and we are beating our bodies up, we’re going like, I hate my thighs. They’re rubbing together. I don’t like my boobs.

19:29
Emily Morse
You know, and then we think that we should just automatically be ready for sex when we have really been, like, just criticizing ourselves. So it’s. That’s a huge part of it. Why would we want to be naked with somebody when we don’t even want to be with ourselves? There’s no quick fix for it, but it’s understanding. And I don’t say this all day. I’d be like, oh, great, now I got all this other homework. It’s more like so we can become our own sex experts. So we can be like, well, what’s actually going on with me now? And we can kind of start to work on these areas so we can become more sexually aware and know that we’re deserving of pleasure.

20:03
JJ Virgin
There are big health benefits to sexual.

20:06
Emily Morse
Yes.

20:06
JJ Virgin
And what’s funny is I used to do this in the lectures. If I was ever in a lecture situation with a bunch of men, I would always say this one. Because they’d all write it down and say they were gonna go tell their wife. Could I write them a prescription? But it was. I think I got it from Daniel. Amen. It was the sex three times a week, lowering your cardiovascular risk or good for your brain or something like that. But what are the health benefits of it? And the other thing that keeps coming up, Cause you brought the pilot light up. It’s like, okay, what are the health benefits? And is there like exercise, a frequency dose type of thing?

20:37
Emily Morse
Yeah. Well, I think the health benefits of sex is really intimacy connection. We get that oxytocin rush from an orgasm. You get like serotonin and dopamine. So there’s all of that that really fuels us. And again, there’s just touch. Like the science of touch. There’s something called skin hunger. When we don’t have enough touch, we can really start to have signs of depression and anxiety. And just having an orgasm, like, boost our immune system. It helps with our mood. Say they helps with your skin. We just feel better after we, you know, have an orgasm. As far as connection, intimacy, like, otherwise, if you’re not having sex with your partner, like, you’re basically roommates, which I hear all the time. Like, oh, we’re best friends and we’ve been together a long time.

21:14
Emily Morse
But when I really look at it, if both people are happy with that in the relationship, I’m not going to say, tell them you have to start having sex. They’re fine. But usually there’s one person who’s like, not fine with it as far as.

21:25
JJ Virgin
Well, if they were doing that, wouldn’t they want to go somewhere to have. Like, if they’re not having sex with each other, something’s got to give.

21:31
Emily Morse
Something’s got to give. Someone’s going to want to have sex, you know, and there are some people who are just like, no, we don’t want sex anymore. And if they’re doing and you’re living a healthy life, not having sex isn’t going to kill you. However, there are, yeah, many benefits to it. Like we just discussed. But also you asked about prescription, so it’s funny because another thing that comes up a lot is couples want to know how many times a week should we be having sex?

21:57
JJ Virgin
Right?

21:57
JJ Virgin
What, what is the number?

21:59
Emily Morse
What is the magic number? I don’t like being prescriptive like that. However, once a week seems to be, on average, what feels good for couples. Once every six months, probably not once every three months. Usually not so great. So doing something that is connective and intimate is redefining sex and not centering it on penetration. Maybe it’s mutual masturbation. One night you’re both lying in bed together. I get off, you get off. We know how to do it. It’s great. Maybe it’s a sensual massage or erotic touch, which just might lead to sexual. Maybe it’s just oral sex. So again, if penetration isn’t the thing that’s really working for you or feeling as great, sometimes we just need to define what it means in every relationship. And everyone gets to do that.

22:42
JJ Virgin
The Difference between sex with a partner versus someone who’s on their own and they’re trying to keep their pilot light lit. As you talked about, however, it’s the oxytocin difference, right? Because they wouldn’t get the oxytocin release if they were just by themselves.

22:55
Emily Morse
That’s true. They’re not having oxytocin if they’re just by themselves. But I would also say for those people, like, get massages. Like, get frequent massages, get touch. Do things where you can connect with people. Maybe it’s like dancing or being around people. Even having pets can help with the oxytocin. What are the things that make you feel turned on, alive, and sexy? Like, for me, I love dancing. I love moving my body. I love putting on oils that make me feel good, that are, for me, like, not saving them for date night, but, like, my best body oil or my best lotions and like, wearing fabrics that make me feel good, wearing things that make me feel sexy when I go out. So it’s about just feeling into my sensuality. My sexuality as a woman is a. Is a practice.

23:38
JJ Virgin
What do you think is the most confronting truth about intimacy that most people avoid?

23:43
Emily Morse
There’s a few that come to mind. Maybe one that I haven’t mentioned is that sex is all about orgasm. You know, I think everyone’s talking about this sex recession right now. We’re in a sex crisis. I don’t know if you see the headlines. They keep saying people aren’t having a lot of sex. I believe that we are in a crisis of connection and communication. So I think a lot of times couples are like, we don’t have enough sex. We need sex. But really, they’re craving intimacy. They’re craving those deeper conversations. They were craving shared experience, like, the novelty of doing something new together. And I think for couples who are like, God, we’ve just grown apart, can they find things that they love doing together again? Can they bring back things they were doing in the beginning? You know, this stuff does take work.

24:19
Emily Morse
So it’s so easy to build resentments and to criticize our partner and to get to these places of, like, I don’t want them touch me. But if it’s. If both people in the relationship really want to prioritize it, like, we can create a spark. We can create that. So I think just knowing it’s like, has to be, like, having intentional conscious connection.

24:36
JJ Virgin
Well, and I’m also hearing that there’s an intimacy piece, and if you were disconnected, just focusing on the intimacy, not Even worrying about the sex.

24:43
Emily Morse
Yeah. There’s some couples who have found that their sex life, like, sex is just gotten really boring or they’re not. Are there a lot of pressure? I tell them, take. Take sex off the table. Take sex off the table. And by my dad, I do mean penetration off the table for, like a month. And start kissing again, start making out, start giving each other, like, you know, massages. Start doing everything but like you did when you were dating, start to build up that connection and arousal again. And a lot of couples find that does it as well. Like, just.

25:13
JJ Virgin
It’s.

25:13
Emily Morse
Because it’s new and it’s novel and you’re, like, rewriting the script and it’s like you’re dating again.

25:17
JJ Virgin
Like, why do you have that, though? So the first. What is it? Month? Three months, where it’s just insanity.

25:23
Emily Morse
Yeah.

25:23
JJ Virgin
And then it just kind of shifts into the next phase.

25:26
Emily Morse
First off, we call that the honeymoon phase, or nre, new relationship energy. And during that time, we are sipping on the cocktail of the most delicious hormone cocktail of oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, where we just feel like everything is amazing. This person is our everything. And it serves also a biological purpose for mating, for choosing our mate. I mean, that’s actually why, like, this is our person. Like, most people aren’t together unless they didn’t. They don’t have that early stage. But like anything, any great drug or anything in life, what comes up must come down. It’s always gonna come down. And this is the problem I see is that a lot of couples are chasing that high from the first six months to two years. That’s on average how long the honeymoon phase lasts. And they’re like, well, it was really great in the beginning.

26:14
Emily Morse
And I almost wanna be like, rip for a moment. Like, we are not going back to that time. We just won’t. But you can create something that’s even more connected, that’s even more meaningful and even sensual and erotic than ever before. Like, it takes some, like, the stuff that I’m talking about, but that actually just like, serves a purpose in time. But I think when we’re craving this past thing, but that’s actually why it happens. And every couple’s gonna go through it. Maybe couples who are, like, been long distance for 20 years and we only spend a week together, or we spend a lot of time together, well, they just.

26:47
JJ Virgin
They just took the two years and expanded.

26:48
Emily Morse
Exactly. So couple I found that couples who have some kind of distance or they don’t live together I mean, which is very rare. They, they’re like, oh, no, it’s still really hot. But I would say most couples have, yeah, suffered this sort of loss of early life. But then the reason why this is so important to talk about, and I’m so glad you’re asking it, is because think about it like in nutrition, if all of a sudden you were working out, you stopped working out and then you felt like, I lost all my muscles, I got, I gained a lot of weight. Like you would know exactly what to do. But with sex, since people haven’t talked about it, we don’t spend a lot of money on sexual health research, especially for women. It’s always kind of been this mystery.

27:28
Emily Morse
So I really try to break it down for people so they can kind of troubleshoot and be like, okay, well, what is actually going on? Because we’re all so different.

27:35
JJ Virgin
Even when you’re doing all the right things, your strength training, staying active, prioritizing protein, keeping the muscle you’ve built over a lifetime gets harder with age. Now, our parents were told to accept that it’s just getting older. I don’t buy that. And that’s why I use Timeline, powered by Magpure. Here’s the real Muscle isn’t just about strength or looking good. Muscle runs your metabolism, protects your balance, preserves your independence, and determines how powerfully you age. And what most people don’t realize is that muscle loss isn’t only about hormones or workouts. It’s about cellular energy. As we age, our mitochondria, those energy engines inside our muscle cells, become less efficient. Now, when your muscles can’t produce energy, well, it’s harder to maintain strength, function and resilience. That’s where mitopure comes in.

28:27
JJ Virgin
It’s the only clinically studied form of urolithin A, a postbiotic shown in human clinical trials to support muscle strength and function by helping renew mitochondrial health at the cellular level. I love this because it works with your training, not instead of it. Now, strength training is the signal, protein is the building block, and mitopure supports the cellular energy that allows your muscles to actually respond and adapt. Mitrepure gummies make it simple. Two a day, sugar free, vegan, non GMO and independently certified for quality. And let’s not forget, absolutely delicious. So if staying strong is part of your longevity strategy, and I sure hope it is, visit timeline.comjjvirgin and get 20% off your order.

29:13
JJ Virgin
In terms of troubleshooting like a woman after 40, what do you think? A big misconception a woman would have about her own pleasure after 40.

29:21
Emily Morse
I think that women after 40 might think that there’s an expiration date. I’m no longer sexy, so therefore, I don’t feel desirable. You know, my best days are over. My 20s were such a hot, fun time. There’s no partners for me. There’s no sex for me if they’re not on, you know, taking bioidentical hormones or even using, like, hyaluronic acid suppositories.

29:41
JJ Virgin
Vaginal estrogen is, like, the greatest thing.

29:44
Emily Morse
Vaginal estrogen is the greatest thing ever. And what I love is that even the research has shown that even women who might have risks, who might have shown that they have risk of cancer or something else, taking vaginal estrogen is a safe option for the majority of women. And it is a game changer. Like, game changer. Like, it’ll change, because what happens is you’re starting to have dryness. You’re having, like, you know, loss of tissue. You are having just so many things. So it just helps plump everything up. You feel better, you know? And women also don’t realize that they can be in perimenopause for 10 to 12 years. You know, I just did a great interview with Halle Berry on my podcast today on Sex with Emily. We were talking about how she went to a doctor and she had pain after sex.

30:26
Emily Morse
Like, the craziest thing that ever happened or she never. It felt like she was, like, having prickles. Like she was having this, like. Like in her vagina with this rough spot. She went to the doctor, he thought she had herpes. He, like, missed her story.

30:37
JJ Virgin
She told it on Tamson’s.

30:38
Emily Morse
Yes, she misdiagnosed her. So what I’m saying is, like, no, it was just dry. She took vaginal estrogen. She got. So I’m just saying, like, it starts. It can start young, and some women are, like, going through it really well.

30:48
JJ Virgin
And it could be. I mean, those are the symptoms that would be tied to sex. But it could be. Mine was like, little bit of bleeding gums.

30:55
Emily Morse
Yeah, yeah.

30:56
JJ Virgin
And I went to the dentist. I’m like, what’s going on? He’s like, estrogen. I go, what? So I was. I’ve been on hormone replacement therapy from that point. Like, it was literally probably.

31:05
Emily Morse
How old? What age? What age?

31:06
JJ Virgin
Mid-40s.

31:07
Emily Morse
Yeah, yeah. Same when you started.

31:09
JJ Virgin
My recovery from working out. And I think that’s the big thing, because there’s still this myth out there that you have to wait till you’re in menopause I’m like, why? You do not have to wait a moment of suffering.

31:18
Emily Morse
No, you. You can start estrogen now. It’s safe for. Safe for everybody. So definitely, like, talk to your doctors who actually know things about hormones, though not the ones that don’t.

31:26
JJ Virgin
If I could have skipped over my 20s and 30s, probably even my 40s, and just jumped to 50s, especially since I found him in my 50s, I found my love of my life. I love that things are so much better. So I believe that your life, your health, your sex life, everything can better at 40 plus. Yes, it feels like this is not a problem.

31:46
Emily Morse
Absolutely. I’m glad. I was just thinking about what could go wrong. I’m with you. I know that sex can get better in your 40s and 50s and 60s and beyond. In fact, it usually does. So this notion that your sex life is over, I think it’s just beginning. Because we didn’t have the information. Maybe we have more confidence now to ask for what we want. We, like, really don’t care what anyone else thinks. There is not any bone in my body that wants to do performative anything. I am not just doing performative sex. I’m not doing my partner if I don’t want. I just want you to, like, go down on me, give me a massage. I’m going to ask for it. And I don’t know that I could have done that in my 20s or even in my early 30s, even if.

32:22
JJ Virgin
I asked someone to take me to the place I wanted to go for dinner in my 20s.

32:25
Emily Morse
Yeah, same. Whatever you want. People pleasing. So I think at this time of life, we’re doing it all, like, zero fucks, all the things. And so, of course, at this time of life, it will only get better, because the things I think we’re worried about is, like, our weights or our hormones. Like, we just said you could solve for that. So the only thing we really have to learn is how do I know my body better, how do I ask for it, and how do I prioritize my pleasure? It’s gonna get way better.

32:49
JJ Virgin
All right, well, speaking of that piece of it, if someone doesn’t know what they want, how do they get to know their body better? Where do they start?

32:58
Emily Morse
A great place to start, like I said, is getting comfortable touching your own body. A lot of people grew up in environments where they were told it wasn’t okay to masturbate or they’ve been in a relationship and they think, well, I shouldn’t need that. But there is so much to learn. By touching your own body, taking a mirror, looking like, what’s actually going on? I highly recommend vibrators. I love vibrators.

33:20
JJ Virgin
Do you have some favorites?

33:21
Emily Morse
I have so many favorite vibrators. I love anything by Lelo. Lelo makes really L E L O. I actually have a store on my site. If you go to sexwithemily.com it’s like, shop with Emily. There’s, like, a wonderful store.

33:31
JJ Virgin
Put all of this in the resources.

33:33
JJ Virgin
Do you have your lube there too?

33:34
Emily Morse
I have everything. Yeah. I have a great store, and I have my favorites. And there’s toys for really everything. So I think getting a great clitoral toy. There’s a company called jjoo. They make a toy called the Mimi. It’s great for partner play. It’s great for your own play. Just use it to stimulate your own nerve endings. I mean, our clitoris has 12,000 nerve endings. A circumcised penis has 6,000 nerve endings. We just don’t take the time to explore ourselves. And it’s not just that little bud. The clitoris has legs that go deep inside behind our labia. And when we just learn to, like, touch ourselves, I mean, I learned most of my own body by taking time by myself because I didn’t have the pressure of a guy being like, are you gonna come? What are you doing? Is it happening?

34:16
Emily Morse
Then I was like, okay, I’m gonna take a bath. I’m gonna figure this out. I was so excited to learn everything I could, so I tried every single toy. And what I love is something called mindful masturbation. And that is going in without the goal of orgasm. So this is you take a bath, you light a candle, you take yourself on a date, and you. And this goes for men, too. And I know that men are, like, hit and quit it. I know how to do it. But really, when you just, like, no porn. Not that porn’s bad, but you could try out the porn and just be like. Like, okay, I’m gonna. It’s like meditative. Like, what actually feels good? What kind of touch do I like? Do I like softer touch? Do I like harder touch?

34:49
Emily Morse
Do I like what feels good all over my body? You know? And then you just start really focusing on that, and then you start noticing, oh, I didn’t know that. The left side of my vulva is more sensitive than the right. We just skip over things. Nipples, like nipplegasms are so common, but most women have never had one because we never took the time.

35:04
JJ Virgin
Nipplegasms.

35:05
Emily Morse
Nipplegasms. Our Nipples and our corps clitoris are connected to the same region in our brains that cause orgasms. There’s also something called the orgasm gap, where men are more likely to orgasm in, like, eight to 12 minutes, maybe even soon, maybe six to nine minutes. And women take anywhere to orgasm between 20 and 40 minutes. Being people pleasers or not wanting to take so long, a lot of us just don’t really take time exploring our bodies. On my website also, I have all these free guides, these free downloadable guides. And one is called the yes, no, maybe. Listen, it has about 100 different sex acts on it. Yes, there are a hundred. And it’ll be like, everything from, like, oral sex to pegging to dirty talk, to even cuddling, using toys together.

35:44
Emily Morse
And at the top, what it says, is this a yes, is it a no, or is it a maybe? And then you take it, your partner takes it, and then you swap lists. You’re like, I didn’t know you wanted to talk dirty or have sex outside. I mean, it’s just literally thousands of podcasts I’ve been doing this for. I have so much resources on my site. But the guess is just a fun way to start. But how do you deeply, truly know what you want? I mean, that deep? Like, what is my deepest pleasure? Another way is just thinking, like, about the touch, really having conversations. If you’re in a relationship, like, what was the hottest sex we ever had? Like, what? Let’s talk about. Let’s write down the three most hottest moments you’ve had.

36:19
Emily Morse
I always say that, like, not in your life, but with your partner. And then exchange the list. Like, why was that hot? And then, like, look at the DNA of that. Oh, were on vacation or we almost got car. We’ve actually been having sex, so we actually know a lot more than we think. Yeah, there’s so many ways to know what you want, but I guess it’s just, like, we don’t. The reason I’m getting so specific is because I think we just don’t really think about it. But we do know if we go a little bit more and if we don’t know if you’re a woman who’s like. And I hear this a lot. I’ve been married for 25 years, and I’ve been faking orgasms the whole time. I can’t tell you how often I hear that from women. It’s never been great.

36:51
Emily Morse
And to be honest, I think that’s what I’m saying. That’s for some women, they’re like, it was great. In the beginning, but then we had kids, and it’s just that ship has sailed. I firmly believe that it is never too late to start figuring out what. Every woman can pretty much orgasm. I think it’s like, maybe women are pre orgasmic, meaning they’ve never orgasm. But most women, when they take the time, can figure it out. So even if you say to your partner, I mean, I don’t know, that’s. I. I’ve talked women through, I coach women through getting to their partners. But again, your partner wants to please you, and it’s societal conditioning. Why were faking it so you could start today. You are capable of pleasure. Another thing when I say pleasure is. This is just a more cultural thing.

37:29
Emily Morse
We tend to not do things that are pleasurable. And I’m gonna take sex off the list for a minute. A lot of times we think pleasure, it comes with, like, well, I will deserve to buy myself this thing if I jump through all these hoops or I can only take, you know, go to a movie or see my friend. You know, we just put conditions on pleasure. But when we start to put things in our life that are more pleasurable, like, pleasure begets pleasure. So I did this exercise once at a conference, like, years ago. It was like a personal growth conference. And they had us write down everything we did in a week or everything that we loved doing that was pleasurable. I mean, it could be like, for me, it’s like going on hikes, spending time with friends.

38:11
Emily Morse
You know, it’s a lot of outdoor stuff. Being with my dog, being with friends. Like, you know, I mean, I’m not a chef, but simple, like, cooking. I’m trying to think what my. I have a list of pleasurable things, massages. And then we had to do this math equation. And basically you figure out what percentage of your week are you spending doing these things? And mine came out to 3%. I was doing. For me, that wasn’t about work, that wasn’t about other people. And I’m like. And I talk about sex for a living, like, 3%. So I really tried. And look at my calendar every week. I’m like, what am I doing? For me, what am I doing? That’s strictly without obligations, without, like, having you for someone else that I love doing.

38:47
Emily Morse
And so populate your life with those things, because the more we are actually living in joy and pleasure, the more we’re gonna be open to finding other pleasurable things. And a lot of that has to do with intimacy and sex. Giving ourselves permission is important.

39:01
JJ Virgin
I love the list. The list is fantastic. What’s another thing, like one sentence that could immediately improve your communication in bed?

39:10
Emily Morse
Well, I always say communication is a lubrication. I’ve been saying that for 20 years. So the more we talk about sex, the better sex we’re going to have.

39:16
JJ Virgin
It does seems a little challenging. That’s why I like the list, because I was like, oh, yeah, it’s not a thing that we generally sit and talk about sex.

39:23
Emily Morse
No.

39:24
JJ Virgin
Well, women talk about sex with other women.

39:25
Emily Morse
Well, then I would have to give you my three T’s for any conversation.

39:28
JJ Virgin
Give me the three T’s then.

39:30
Emily Morse
Timing, tone and turf. These are my three T’s for having any awkward conversation about sex. Which. Most conversations about sex are awkward for most people. The first one is timing. You want to find a time when you are not halt, hungry, angry, lonely or tired. The second T is your tone. You don’t want to be on the defensive. Why don’t you ever go down to me? How come we haven’t had sex in a while? You want to be curious, compassionate, chill. Hey, I realized we haven’t really talked about our sex life in a while. Would be we should talk about our sex, what’s good for you. And then the third one is turf, and the turf is outside the bedroom.

40:08
Emily Morse
So when you’re going on a walk or on a road trip, this way you’re not making eye contact, which could be awkward, so you can still have the intimacy. And then you just say, like, I’d love to, you know, start talking about how we could be great lovers to each other.

40:19
JJ Virgin
Okay, let’s do a little rapid fire to round it all up. Tie a bow on it. Something every woman should unlearn.

40:25
Emily Morse
Unlearn that you should immediately be in the mood for sex.

40:28
JJ Virgin
A belief about sex. You’ve changed your mind.

40:30
Emily Morse
About 25 years ago, I thought that I was broken. I believed that I should have. That I should have an orgasm from a penis. Some women can, but most can’t.

40:38
JJ Virgin
Yeah. I have, like, one friend who can.

40:40
Emily Morse
Yeah.

40:40
JJ Virgin
One thing that improves sex instantly.

40:44
Emily Morse
Lube.

40:45
JJ Virgin
Lube.

40:45
Emily Morse
Lube and communication.

40:47
JJ Virgin
Something you wish men knew.

40:49
Emily Morse
Slow down. I think sex goes really fast sometimes, and I think if men went five times slower, there would probably be more connection and more. More pleasure for everyone.

40:58
JJ Virgin
One message to women over 40.

41:00
Emily Morse
The best is yet to come. I feel like people probably always say, like, oh, it’s going to get great, but I really mean it. So for women over 40, I would say your best sex life is starting today.

41:12
JJ Virgin
I Think it’s your best everything life.

41:13
Emily Morse
Your best everything life is starting today. Especially your sex life. Start now.

41:17
JJ Virgin
Especially if lube’s involved.

41:18
Emily Morse
Exactly.

41:19
JJ Virgin
Yes.

41:19
Emily Morse
Today is the first day of the rest of your sex life starting now.

41:23
JJ Virgin
So I am in a link to. I’ll put it jjvirgin.com Emily also, you have your book Smart Sex, you have Sex with Emily podcast and I have a membership.

41:34
Emily Morse
I have a membership. It’s called Smart SX and it is a monthly membership where people can come and meet. Like we bring in experts every month and it’s on. It’s all virtual. But the thing I’m most excited about is I have a few slots open for my VIP coaching, which I just started as well. So I can. I stopped that for a while, but now it’s happening. So if you either want coaching with me or you want to join the community of Smart SX and just find like, how can I have more conversations like this? How can I find the best resources? How can I have smart support that’s in the community?

42:03
JJ Virgin
Thank you for doing all this.

42:04
Emily Morse
You’re so welcome. I love what I do.

42:06
JJ Virgin
It shows. We need much more of this out there. I think we’d solve a lot of the world’s problems if everyone just ate well, exercised and had great sex.

42:16
Emily Morse
I’m still with you, jj. Thank you for having me. I appreciate you.

42:23
JJ Virgin
Be sure to join me next time for more tools, tips and techniques you can use to look and feel your best and be built to last. Also, I’d love to connect with you and hear your thoughts on the podcast. Here’s how. First, subscribe to the podcast and leave an honest review. Second, take a screenshot of your review and third, text it to 813-565-2627. That’s 881-3-565-2627. When you do, I’ll reply using my brand new Virtual jj. It’s my on demand virtual self, built from my books, talks and years of experience so I can interact with you directly. You’ll make my day and I can’t wait to hear from you. Thanks for tuning in and I’ll catch you on the next episode. Hey JJ.

43:19
JJ Virgin
Here.

43:19
JJ Virgin
And just a reminder that the well Beyond 40 podcast offers health, wellness, fitness and nutritional information that’s designed for educational and entertainment purposes only. You should not rely on this information as a substitute for nor does it replace professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have any concerns or questions.

43:37
JJ Virgin
About your health, you should always consult with a physician or other healthcare professional.

43:42
JJ Virgin
Make sure that you do not disregard, avoid or delay obtaining medical or health related advice from your healthcare professional because.

43:48
JJ Virgin
Of something you may have heard on.

43:49
JJ Virgin
The show or read in our show notes. The use of any information provided on the show is solely at your own risk.

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